You know that stuff that happened to the biblical David? When he was walking on the rooftop while others had gone to war and he saw a beautiful woman bathing?

Something close to it happened to me.

Only that I was not walking on the rooftop….I was just in my room. I peeped out of the window early one morning. Say three years ago.

I did not see a naked man or woman. Instead, I saw my neighbor and his wife.

Only my neighbor upstairs and I leave home so early. Sometimes we get to the gate at the same time or I see him walking ahead.

On that day, I was still putting finishing touches to my imaginary make-up-just checking out my plain black face in my bedroom mirror hung close to the window when I sited them. They live upstairs. My flat stands alone. And I can see everyone or everything that goes on through my bedroom window.

He was leaving as usual. She was seeing him off, wearing her silky pink nightwear- a short and top that leaves nothing to the imagination. It was in the early days of their marriage. She stood by the last stair and waved him bye. He looked left and right. When he looked right, I quickly dunked. I needn’t have done that anyways. Even if my window was closed, I would be seeing them but they would not see me.

So,

He moved back alil bit. He was now at the same height with her. He quickly pulled her close and kissed her. I almost began to count the seconds. But I thought against it. Is it my kiss?

As I was thinking it in my mind, they were still kissing. I was getting angry already.💋💋💋💋 So I turned away. But I could not bear it. I decided to look again😉😉😉. They had separated and he was now on his way to the gate.

I counted 1-10, prayed against arrows of environmental nuisance, covered my eyes with the blood of Jesus and came out of my house.

Men and brethren, all I kept seeing throughout my entire day in court was their kissing faces. The look, the way he pulled her, what she wore. I imagined how he would race back home from the office.

I suffered. But I forgave them and took it in my strides. I was seeing public display of affection for the first time. Till today, they thought nobody saw them.

However, few months down the line, I heard a shout. Honestly, this is where marriage confuses me. There was a scream. In the wee hours of the night. Maybe around midnight. It was his voice I heard.

“get out of my house”. By then, she was heavily pregnant.

She was crying. He was shoving her off the stairs. I panicked. I was on my way to my door when I noticed that another neighbor was already out faster than me. She went to pick her to spend the night with her. She landed at the hospital that same week and had an emergency CS.

One time they could not have enough of each other so much that she escorted him every morning and they stole kisses at the foot of the stairs. The next time, he wanted nothing to do with her again.

**********

I used to have another neighbor. Both the husband and wife were nice and close to me. They did things together. This time, she had just had a baby. It was few days after the baby came. After like ten days, I heard screams. I knew he had started again.

I was going to rescue her. Like I used to do.

So I ran to their door when she kept screaming. He had locked the door. I ran to the kitchen door. It was locked too. He deliberately locked everywhere so that there would be no means of escape. He beat her silly. I kept hearing the sound and my heart was pounding. I went back to my apartment begging God on her behalf.

Last last, it was settled. And they are still together.

Moral: I only wanted to say that you should mind how you peep through windows. I didn’t plan to tell all these plenty tales. I don’t even know why I wrote them. God haff mercy.

I wrote this last night but it didn’t upload due to network issues…..so here goes

I was home on that popular red day

that people make so much noise about every year. I had fever. I had body pains. Anxiety symptoms. Chills.

It started since the day we stayed so late in court last week. Till almost 7pm. I left at a point though, with aching head. I was back at work the next day. We sat at 3pm. It was a Friday. We didn’t rise till after 4pm. I bailed.

So I bought drugs off the shelf. Felt a little bit better. Went to work on Thursday and the headaches came back with a bang. I managed to survive Friday. But I woke up with more symptoms this morning and I knew it was time to go to the hospital.

When I finally saw the doctor, female, pretty, glasses wearing, after I told her the symptoms, she asked next

“when was your last period?”

I smiled. I’m already used to this question. I would have reminded her even if she didn’t ask. I came prepared for that question 😂😂 so I answered mischievously.

“I’ve been looking for it for the past two days and I haven’t found it”, I replied cheekily. At least the red day was just 24hours ago. So everything kind of sums up. Valentine’s day plus a missing period.

I watched amusingly as her pen flickered quickly across the piece of lab paper where she wrote Mp, Widal and PT. I smiled wider. She gave me the paper and said “take it to the lab”. I was about to get tested for pregnancy the second time.

The last time I was at this hospital, I saw a male doctor and I told him I suspected malaria. When he asked me the “period” question, I had had my monthly flow already or it wasn’t due yet but I just couldn’t remember the last date and before you could say jack, he had written PT on my lab sheet.

So, I went to the lab. Blood sample was taken. I waited patiently and began to reminisce. Did I get pregnant in my sleep? Last time I checked, I don’t even have a spirit husband. 😅😀😃🤣

Why are they after me in this hospital? Why do they want pregnancy to fall on me? I had malaria and for a week, I was scared to go to the hospital because I knew they would slam a PT test on me. This is the second week and I had to go today eventually.

I have had malaria all my life to be sure of the symptoms. Besides, the pregnancy history of the females in my family does not include body aches, fever, headache etc. Our pregnancy history does not even include swollen legs, vomiting or spitting.

So, the female doctor ended her shift and left. When I was called again, it was to see a male doctor, my favorite anyways.

He was the only doctor on duty and he had an emergency CS to attend to. He walked out and asked me to wait. I was catching cold and feeling feverish while seated.

He walked in again, not noticing I had switched off his fan. He began to complain about seeing so many people. Too many sick people with only one doctor. He tried calling another doctor to come and relieve him so that he could go and carry out the surgery.

By the time he had time to quickly attend to me before rushing out again, my lab result was nowhere to be found. He was almost using another person’s test result to diagnose me. We searched his table but it wasn’t there.

He said “I will just treat you for malaria and typhoid”

I said “wa shere doctor”…in my mind Sha.

He wrote some drugs. I was worried about my PT result. How will I lose my PT test result like that? The paper had to get missing because of the pregnancy?😁😁😁😁😁😁aye mi o.

I sha came back home without a pregnancy test result. They had no ACT drug so I still went to buy.

However, unlike before when my appetite used to go south because of illness, I discovered that my appetite is so healthy and abnormally okay. I’m eating and over eating, more like a depressive symptom. Or a pregnancy symptom 😊😛😋😂

I had begged the doctor to give me a drug that’d make me sleep. He did. But I was asked to sign for that particular drug before I could take it. I saw that other people who received it at one point had signed for it too. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into until the pharmacist closed the book and I saw that it was labeled POISON. Not poison that would kill. But poison that should only be administered on doctor’s prescription and which cannot be bought over the counter.

I came back home and googled it. For the first time, Google didn’t scare me. It only showed that the drug would help with my anxiety attacks and make me sleep. This doctor had given me this same small, nameless drug when I complained to him that I was running out of my mind and could not sleep because I thought my dead father was following me around back in 2017. I was seeing him in my dreams and all. That was the week he died and I was sleeping at the hospital after sleeping at my neighbor’s for some days.😂😂😂. He gave me that nameless drug and I slept deeply and it calmed my brain.

Why am I having anxiety attacks? I really don’t know. I’m moving houses. I’ve found a beautiful house in an enviable location close to a police area command. Police is now my neighbor. But the money I’m coughing out is giving me panic attacks. The stress of moving chairs, luggage and all is scaring me. I’m too lazy to even move my ass not to talk of moving an entire house. I need to get a prepaid meter too. And. I’m just overwhelmed.

Tinuke badmus would understand this because we had this kind of convo when she had a shop and an apartment in eyebrow bodija estate before she moved to kaduna. Babe was legit complaining of having to renew two rent.

On the bright side, let me tell you about my good friends. Barrister Saturday(not real name) and the one whom I call Esquire. Esquire is married with a kid. I’m good friends with him and his wife. He drives this really beautiful muscle Camry with tinted glasses. It’s always exciting to go with them in the morning because we are all gisting, shouting, yabbing each other and quoting different sections of the law while at it. He drops his wife and baby first in garki. Then him and Barr Saturday drives me to the office. Barr Saturday is newly wedded.

I always beg them to drop me by the gate and let me trek inside. They will say “why, what are you hiding? You don’t want them to think we are your sugardaddies right? They must see us today. Infact, I am dropping you right within the second gate. So he zooms in and tries to enter the court premises gangan. I quickly open the door, jump out and run to the elevator. Those guys are the best thing since sliced bread. I always enjoy our morning conversation. We are friends because they have matters in my court.

J. E’s birthday was on the 13th. We haven’t talked this year. He could be annoying sometimes. He was supposed to get me into Lagos last year and he said ” oh I forgot”. But the thing is, he will see me, go on his knees and say he’s sorry. He once did that at jeviniks and I didn’t tell him to get up.

Still smarting from that anger I decided to sub him on his birthday. Guy didn’t even know it was a sub when I wrote “J E, today marks the end of your 39th year on earth. You will never see your thirties again. May your forties be kind to you.” He just clocked 39 and technically, he will start counting down to 40 from now.

It is very hard to see the sub but it’s a big sub anyways.

So, after taking that drug that I signed to collect, I’m still here, looking like lucozade, my eyes are as dry as if I murdered sleep.#sighs#

Once upon a time, Mr Banji came to my house to show me one girl…yellow pawpaw, petite, nails and hair on fleek, does a uniformed job. She was smiling and feeling coy. She looked too good to be true. She must have been feeling on top of the world to have followed him to see me. Emi Mani😀😎

Having spent some time on the street myself, after been privileged to know the mind of young ladies towards old money bags, men who are old enough to be their father, I don know say ‘na dem’. These girls only needed such men as automated teller machine. I sized her up, weighing her brain. I sensed that she didn’t have much sense. But I greeted her enthusiastically.

The poor man had been badgered on every side by his family members,(not that I’m exonerating him too) the ones who dissolved into thin air after he died, that he shouldn’t remain alone. Typical average African mentality. If it was my mother who was alive, no one would ever remember that she would need companionship or that she needed someone to keep her alive longer. Infact, it would be a sacrilege to even insinuate such. Her children were to be her husband.

He had told me he was going to remain single for the rest of his life and I was happy. But I was a real mumu to have believed him anyways. He said and I quote “what do I need a woman for? I don’t want more children. Any woman that comes into my life now would turn my heart away from my children. I don’t want that. Let me just live my life.”

He had even turned to kidbrother jokingly one day and said “T, do you want a younger brother or you want to remain my last born?”

We had all laughed.

Until suddenly,

😁😁😁he said his leg was paining him and he could not get down from the bed.😀😀😀😀😁 He needed someone to be helping him to come down from bed. Inside life fa!!

Not this alone, the house at ibadan was going to crumble if nobody lived there.

I had heard enough. Just do whatever already!!

So, I became angry when he showed me the girl. I would have given anything to have iya onisu take her place honestly. At least iya onisu is old and matured. This girl was my competition. I was annoyed. Infact, I still am. The girl is in my office today but thank God I’m at the HQ while she’s still at my former garki office. People even call her my step mother. See the heavy cross I’m carrying😁🤣🤣my punishment was to be running in to her everyday but that is thankfully over now.

But when did I start getting really angry with this girl gan gan?

It was when my father began to eat Indomie… ayemitemibami!!!! My own father!!!!

Somebody who used to quarrel with my mum over pounded yam. Whose best food was pounded yam and efo riro. Or amala isu. Someone who hated chicken, who never liked jollof. Imagine my horror when my popsie said he was now eating Indomie.

Something must have gone wrong somewhere. Mr Banji never eats such things like Indomie.

After a while, this girl brought her mother to him and they began to ask for heavy cost for marital rights. I didn’t know whether to be laughing or jumping. The girl was from the part of Nigeria where the major population of their girls are being shipped to homes as househelps. Their major occupation was farming. Now, they were demanding heavy costs.

I didn’t say anything.

One day, the girl called me, she was very angry. she was reporting my dad to me after their relationship went sour. Dad was trying to recover everything he had done for her. She even had the gut to tell me on phone that she didn’t beg him for it.

Where you would know that her senselessness was legendary was the fact that she looked round and didn’t see anybody to call except me. Me that I was waiting to roast her. But I spoke to her nicely and promised to help her settle with my dad. I dey craze??😃😀

When he said people were begging him on her behalf, I wore the cap of a tyrant. I spoke to him as if I was his mother. Like a dictator, I threatened him.

“dad, if you ever accept this girl again, I’m disowning you”. I wasn’t sure if he took my threat seriously.😁😀 I could only hope and watch.

Until one day, my dad himself called me and said ‘i will come and see you by weekend to tell you what that girl did to me’. I was now happy.

How did I know the relationship had finally ended?

When he brought the remaining carton of Indomie to my house. I knew it was over forever. He was thanking God too. He said “God saved me from that girl. She would have collected all of your brother’s law school fees from my hand.

*******

Did I do bad????😀