By now, Badmus could not say anything, he kept staring at the rug on the floor of the living room. There was a little moment of silence which had the soft cries of Aunty Tope at the background. . Pastor’s wife […]
Luckily for me, I met one of the Ushers in the Church premises. I told him I needed a description of the Pastor’s house because I must see him urgently. He gave me the description, thank goodness the house was not […]
Since that time, Mr Badmus started being very nice to me. He would shower me with lots of gifts ranging from clothes to shoes, bags, earrings and hair accessories, etc all in a bid to silence me. I always refused the […]
‘This is my Aunt’s house!’ I winced. ‘You can go to hell for all I care’, he continued in whispers, ‘all I want is for you to get out of this house, don’t destroy my marriage!’ I struggled to free my […]
PART 1 Hello Ladies, it’s been a while. I have been waiting on God for the titles to give my messages for some time now… I thank God for HIS endless grace… Yes! HELP, I’M SINKING! You may be wondering what […]
Domestic Violence . For a long time after the Mercy Aigbe DV pictures broke out on the internet, I wasn’t interested in it one bit. I only read tit bit of comments on it and moved past. You see, I have read […]
Domestic Violence
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For a long time after the Mercy Aigbe DV pictures broke out on the internet, I wasn’t interested in it one bit. I only read tit bit of comments on it and moved past. You see, I have read so many news on DV that I have already become tired of it.
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I see people advocating everytime for women not to die in violent marriages for any reason. I felt this issue had already been overflogged. But how wrong I was.
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Today, I actually clicked on a link that had her story and I was shocked. I saw her battered face and the horror she went through just so she could sustain her marriage and save her husband’s image as she put it.
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For an enlightened woman, I thought she should understand more than anyone why her life matter to her, her children and God more than her so called marriage. She confessed that she was foolish to have stayed.
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Photo Credit: Pulse.ng
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Her reason for staying is the reason why many other women have also died in terrible marriages and are long buried – the need to stay married irrespective of what is going on in the marriage.
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Truly, I think I now understand that many women would never leave their abusive marriages or do the needful even if advised, even if they read #saynotoDV# articles on social media except they are fully ready to take a walk.
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And I would never judge any woman who wants to fight for her marriage or who decides to stay despite her philandering and abusive husband. Its her decision to make.
An average woman is raised to believe that marriage is her all in all. An average Nigerian woman wouldn’t like to ditch her cheating and abusive husband because its not in her mentality to walk out of a marriage.
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I think it boils down to the patriarchy issue in Nigeria, misconceived norms, societal stereotypes and man made tradition that keeps enslaving women in the name of marriage.
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Like I wrote in my debut novel, men beat their wives to teach them a lesson. They mete out punishment to their wives same way they treat their kids such that you don’t know any difference between the wife and the kid.
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In Chinua Achebe’s widely read novel, Things Fall Apart, the protagonist, Okonkwo often beat one of his wives who had only a child for him. This child was also an ogbanje who fell sick anytime. Despite the travails of the poor woman, with the pain of nurturing a sick child, her husband still had to beat her when his food wasn’t ready on time.
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Many men today grew up seeing their father beat their mother in their presence. And because history has a way of repeating itself, they carry the same attitude into their own marriage as well. It isn’t enough that the man attended ivy league schools and graduated magna cum laude, this doesn’t stop him from showing the bestial side of him.
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I think DV didn’t just start, it originated from our great grandfathers. It only got more pronounced and more life threatening than in their times. The woman is constantly a sacrificial lamb, a piece of item that could be dragged on the ground. Society has inadvertently put her at the mercy of the man.
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Why are more men turning to beasts? Why are marriages engaged in so much battle these days? Is this a sign of doom or a sign of the end of time? Who did this to us?
When are women going to fully grow up and stop protecting sham marriages?
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If you are in a marriage where your husband is scarcely available, hardly drops money, beats you, spends your money, sleeps with every one close to you even your house helps, and you claim you are still in love, then, just maybe, you need a brain reset. Maybe you are just suffering from low self esteem. Maybe you think the man did you a favour by marrying you.
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I have heard about people living fake lives on the internet. Of women covering the ass of unfaithful men just to save face on social media but as difficult as it seems to believe, because I am yet to see a close case, this is just one of the examples.
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I will not bother to further believe every lengthy posts on facebook about ‘best husbands’ and ‘best wives’ because in the real sense of the word, you don’t really need public validation to prove your spouse is loving.
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The kind of issues that women cover with heavy layers of makeup? Only God fully knows it. I guess make-up has been saving lives since 19gbogboro.
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What irks me most is the fact that despite covering the shame of this men in public by projecting them to be who they are not, and even in Mercy’s case, doing a video together with the man to claim they are good together before things got out of hand, such men still don’t change. They never respect those wives.
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The closest I ever came to witnessing DV was when a certain man nearly threw his pregnant wife from the top of a storey building over a disagreement. Her saving grace was my mom, who ran upstairs to rescue and bring her to our house. She had the sense to leave the man shortly after then. She’s still living today and her daughter is now an adult. I jammed her at a wedding five years ago and she still asked after my mom.
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I had an aunt who went through DV in her marriage. It got so bad that neighbours, even her landlady took it upon herself to call my mom severally to come pick her sister. Aunt left at a time and we were all happy. She went back again after the man came to beg her. She never came out of that marriage alive. Her only son was just 4 years old when she passed on. He was finally raised by a stepmother. She didn’t deserve to die in a marriage but she did anyways.
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I am an advocate for good marriages and I would never say marriage is bad. Marriage is still very honourable but make wise choices while at it. This blog is all about promoting positive life values.
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Did I just write a lengthy post about another woman’s marriage? I guess so. I think that’s what you get when your life is public and you choose a man over your life, happiness and kids. Man can change, only God is dependable. Which human being is worth dying for?
Yetunde Olasiyan
May, 2017
