Yetunde Olasiyan's Blog

On thing I never envisaged when I decided to go on lowcut was that I would be rubbing shoulders with men at the salon. It looks scary every time when I’m the only female among hefty men barbing their hair in a salon. Sometimes, I feel out of place, sometimes I just chuckle. Sometimes, they steal glances at me. Most times, the small boys talk to me…about how they love women who barb, because such women are low maintenance (they are easy to keep). They don’t bug you for money to make hair, or to buy wigs, or to order some human hair from China. See why I called them small boys. But they don’t know that I’m no low maintenance. In my mind, I’m like “shulai tell them?”

They don’t know that despite the no-wig, no human hair or animal hair stuff, I’m extremely high budget. Ask J.E who has been ‘fortunate’ to let me tag along on his shopping spree, from SPAR mall, Victoria Island to H-medix and Spar in Abuja. The other day, we were in front of Sahad and he said he was not going inside with me😂😁.

Till today, those security guys at H-medix know and recognise me because of one single shopping. They always marvel when they see me …’a supposedly small girl whom they gave no recognition since she’s been shopping there, until the day she broke their record with bags and bags of groceries. J.E paid for everything. I had to tell them to keep everything for me. I wasn’t going to carry them to the office. By the time, I went back to collect it, it wasn’t without a tip. Now they call me madam(dust shoulder).
That’s how guys will see a lady who looks quite simple, no extraneous detail in her appearance and they think she will be easy to maintain. Are you kidding me? Do you even know how much they sell the bowls of ice cream I would be consuming every week now that my office is close to that ShopRite in Apo?😀just kidding about that sha.
Do you know that when I was new in Abuja, living somewhere on airport road, I used to legit carry myself to App ShopRite just to buy farm fresh yoghurt? I’d buy for my preggie neighbour and eat sausage on the queue. I bought my LG TV and frigde just few days apart from the Fouani/LG store at Apo ShopRite, called a cab and took a long drive home. I wasn’t even working then. I was just living off my parent’s largesse.
So I was talking about barber’s shop.
Barbers want to be collecting my number upandan. Kikikiki. They don’t know I’m their mother’s agemate😀.
First, I fight at every barber’s shop because they say female hair cost #700 and adult hair is #500. Egbami?🙆🙆which one is adult and which one is female?
“Oga, biko, I’m not female. I’m an adult. What’s with the gender bias?”
“It’s because female hair takes alot of time. You people are not easily satisfied. We don’t barb females the way we barb male customers”.
“Whatever. I have only #500”.
Then, I begin to walk away. I will hear them whispering among themselves. Then, they will call me back.
Last night, we had this same argument. I even paid a thousand naira because of the cream he applied on my head and washed off. That 1k pained me. It’s still paining me sef. I’m never patronising them again. #sigh. Did I just say that? Well, they make my hair come out good every time and they put this white hot towel on my head, spray my face and neck with talcum powder 😂. They even give me ‘teddy’…as if I’m a man. That shape they cut close to your ears. IF you know you know

I’ve had to barb in places where I had to wear “hijab” for weeks in the courtroom so that the hair would grow again. I’ve barbed in terrible places where I paid #250 and their clipper kept making this horrible sound. The shop itself was quite shoddy.

Last night, I went with a bag that contained my hair cream and what did barber say?
“You came with your clippers?” And he stretched forth his hands to collect it
My eyes were round. “Clippers you say?”
You think I’m a permanent member of the lowcut gang right? I’m supposed to be having a clipper right?
I’ve never thought of buying one. Because in my mind, I’m just doing this low cut thing for a while. Because I’m currently undergoing recession in my finances. And when people ask “why are you on lowcut?”
I always say with a stern face “economic reasons”.
But with the way I cringe anytime I encounter any slight discomfort while combing my hair, what I’m forseeing is scary. I’ve totally lost interest in making hair. It’s so much cheaper and easier to maintain no hair and I’m loving the experience.
J.E was asking me when I would start making my hair. He offered to drive me(he doesn’t even drive in Abuja) so I don’t know how he intends to drive me to a salon. I told him to bring the money and I would go and do the Ghana weaving he suggested. He knew I wanted to scam him so he said no deal unless he takes me there. Wawu.
Ok, let me say it again. I went to have a haircut last night at a very cute unisex salon in preparation for court next week. We are resuming by then. I haven’t tried all the black and white dresses in my wardrobe but I know for a fact that they can’t size me again.😤😢
I don’t know where I will start from. No clothes. I’ve outgrown them all. No shoes too. Ayemitemibami.
I’m accepting black dresses, white shirts/dresses and court shoes sha if you want to buy for me or send to me.
I just pray that tinuke badmus reads this. Maybe she will help my life and send me something out of her bespoke collections from kaduna.

A dear friend, @prisca’s diary, dropped a comment on my last Facebook post titled “life is turn by turn” which sank deep. She said “it’s a testament to the fact that God picks everyone of our issues one after the other after we are spent.
I strongly believe this is true. Everything good will come when you stop looking for those things or caring for them.

.
In life, we spend so much time chasing after things, people or careers but in reality, the more we chase them, the more it appears to be an illusion.
The moment you shift your mind away and begin to flex on mundane things, that moment when you stop caring about any eventuality, that moment your heart is fully rested, that is when you get all you’ve been hoping and praying for. Those things begin to fall on you in overdose one after the other.

.
They say life doesn’t give you what you deserve, but you only get what you demand from life. That’s by street standards.
Life gives you what you’ve stopped chasing after, what doesn’t have a hold on you anymore, this is a divine order.
One day, you will surely have an abundance of everything you’ve ever wanted if you don’t give up. Life is indeed, turn by turn.

.
Whew!!!
By now, I should have become a Facebook influencer judging by how well my posts gets interactions every time but unserious will not let me be great. I don’t have Facebook energy. There’s a kind of energy for that community which I lack.
Most of the posts on this blog that never even gets a comment always do very well out there. My posts on Facebook even get me clients almost every time. I’m going to talk about this someday. But if the ministry is going to move out of here someday, it’s likely going to move permanently to Instagram. I think I’m loving it there. You can go and follow me there @yetundeolasiyan’s blog.

.
I wrote an article on Bellanaija titled “Dear Southwest Nigerians, Abuja Is Not The Gelato Capital of Nigeria”. I don’t know what I was smoking when I wrote it but what shall we say to the god of the pen? The post is getting a lot of engagement on Instagram @bellanaijaonline. I was tagged to it this afternoon. You can head to Bellanaija to read it.

.
For the umpteenth time I have been infected by malaria parasite yet again. The trophozoites have been swimming in my blood stream while I was walking about but I’ve been indoors since I came back from work on Friday. Chills, fever, weakness etc. Abuja mosquitoes are even resistant to ACT drugs, lumefantrine and arthemeter. One dose of treatment does not make you well. You have to repeat treatment twice and add fansidar to the bunch. It’s not funny at all when doctors now tell you not to take coke or vegetables or anything containing calcium when undergoing treatment but that’s exactly when you start craving coke. It’s one of the complications of life😂

In other news, I have one more week before we resume the legal year. I’m excited especially because we are going to have an inaugural sitting in our new court. I have a better microphone and a lovely swivel chair now. Calling cases with my voice is no longer the case. I haven’t seen Milord in a while too.
This is the best court vacation I’ve had since joining litigation. Last year, Milord was the vacation judge so we still worked during vacation.
I haven’t taken my annual leave this year but when I do, it is to spend the whole time curating content. That’s majorly what I’ve been doing during this vacation. Writing, writing and writing.

Office was super boring today. I was tired and hungry. I was alone in the office at the back of the courtroom.

.
My Lord wasn’t around. All the lawyers had gone for NBA conference in Lagos. I can’t imagine what Lagos must look like right now with the addition of 12000 learned people, according to channels news report.

.
The courtroom is on the second floor while my Lord’s office is on the third with my Lord, the president. I can’t finish expressing how much I love those two men. They’ve both made significant impact in my life.

.
I was out since 7.10am this morning. I joined the staff bus because of a call I received yesterday ” waa rimi lola o”. He informed me he had been moved to one of the fine suites in Garki close to my former office (where we moved)

As I sauntered to the reception, impressed by the sheer magnificence of that place, even though I had been there before, I was conscious of time. I called him repeatedly.
When he finally picked, he said he was at the restaurant. I moved two steps backwards and saw him eating scrambled eggs, yam and toast.

Then a lady came
“This is the Yetunde I’ve been telling you about”.
At first, I didn’t take it serious thinking she was just a friend at the suite not knowing she was his junior. Someone that works under him.
We greeted. She left.

“So what did you tell her about me”
“That I wonder if you are a human being…won ti get e”, he told me
He’s always wishing he has either of my parent’s number. The last time he said he wished I still had a father. Today, he said he wished he had my mom’s number.
He’s not the first person to ask if something is wrong with me. I’ve asked myself severally too. I’ve looked inwards and I’ve not found the answer to my seeming nonchalance. Is this how they get someone? He’s of the opinion that they’ve finally gotten me-village people. I wonder what’s wrong with me too. I’m tired of myself.

.
Today, I checked my name on the notice board. I wrote an exam at the National Judicial Council last December. I wrote common law, civil service rules, financial regulations and General questions. I passed o. Me 💯, village people 0.

I was telling Jonathan Eze how he’s now so popular among my friends.
Infact, my very special friend from PH called me last week, barely 48hours after I dropped my last post on facebook- is turn by turn. He was at Jeviniks(Biobak kitchen) with another good friend, all of us were wesleyans. My PH friend said he cane to have a tste of the Jeviniks I talked so much about. I told them they were bad people because they didn’t inform me before going so that I could join them.
Then he said “but Jonathan Eze took you there”, lol. The way Jonathan Eze’s name was so sweet on his lips eh, you’d think he has known him from way back.

.
When I told J.E he was just grinning from ear to ear. My friend had to call me from the abroad because of that post.
In other news, my eyesight is completely bad. I’m having serious headaches and pain close to my right eye. I was at the hospital yesterday. They said they were going to refer me to National Hospital or Gwagwalada Teaching Hospital. I can’t deal with both. I’m not going back to get that referral. I’m still traumatised by National Hospital (I was at the morgue, remember?).
I hope I see my Lord tomorrow. It’s been long we had a conversation, just me and him.

Once upon a time in this Abuja, the only thing I was buying with my money was atarodo(cayenne pepper and tantashe, red bell pepper). Every other thing, I mean, every damn little thing…iru wooro o(locust bean), epo pupa, ororo, eja gbigbe(dry fish)…..my mama sent them to me. But…I WAS STILL VERY THIN
That’s why sometimes when I’m wondering what happened to that ‘life’ I almost get insane. I’m always like “where did the good years go?”
Some few years ago, when I was a proper Lagos pikin, albeit halfheartedly, when I was sharing tables with the robust Jonathan Eze and on his way from a reporting trip, would completely surprise me with a huge plate of food(I’m not sure he can still remember sha). All those times, he was always bugging me with “do you want to die/do you want to break?”.
Even the very first time we saw in Abuja after those years, after a hearty hug, the first statement was “you are still not fat”.
He did what he always did in Lagos, he took me to Jeviniks, Garki. When my life did not still improve, he hounded me to 24/7, Garki, then Ojuelegba Amala Point, Maitama. What did he not do? One time he ‘mistakenly’ took me along to H-medix and boy!! Did I buy beverages? I bought plenty…still, I WAS NOT FAT.
People didn’t respect me because of my size.
I could remember one time like that, I went home for the first time after a long while, only to meet iya yet’s new house help. Nobody introduced us. But she knew I was a child of the family, just that she didn’t know my position. She had met all the hefty children of my mother.
So she would wake up in the morning, kneel down to greet her ancestors (the younger children of my mother) and only whisper an “askor” greeting to the head of the whole clan. See gbege!!!😂😁😀
I didn’t give a damn but iya yet did. That was how, one morning, she summoned her to an umunna meeting.
“What is wrong with you? I see the way you’ve been relating with my eldest daughter. Don’t you know who she is? This is my first child (see my head swelling like garri but I was still acting indifferent😀). If you achieve half of what she has achieved in life, your family members will be saying rankadede to you😂😁😁(now interpret how she said that in yoruba). I was legit embarrassed at this point. It was as if ground should open up for me when this girl now knelt down to apologise to me o. Small shame catch me Sha.
Since that day, babe began an early morning kneeling ritual for me o. We became good friends after all sha and till date, she’s the only one I remember with fond memories. The only time we ever fought was when I sent her to buy me ‘always’ and she bought me ‘pampers’.
Toh. Why am I telling you all this “labare?(biko, what is labare in English?)”. It is to let you know all my lepa struggles. I consistently weighed 55kg for close to ten years. I gain weight once in 10years.
Now, it is indeed a wise saying, that life is turn by turn😂😁. It is my turn to be FAT.
Now, everywhere I go, the first thing people say is “wow, you’ve added weight o. You’re looking good.” So, obviously for my naija people, not adding weight is a sign of poor living.
Now, I’m celebrating my extra 5kg!!!! My friends have been calling from yonder “I saw your picture, you’ve added weight😂😁.

One of the pep talks I had with my “chi” when I wanted to join the lowcut gang was ” Yetunde how are you going to pull this off with this penkele stature. Do you want to disappear?” It took a lot of courage for me to take that giant step.
How did I achieve my weight gain?
I started gaining weight when I stopped getting atarodo and iru wooro from ibadan. I grew up.
I started gaining weight when I hardly have food to eat.(This is strange, I know)
I started gaining weight when I started buying every foodstuff by myself
I stopped looking at life from a certain angle. I began to see life from an indifferent angle. And I have no huge prayer point again like all those people who said they didn’t come to Abuja to come and count bridge and are doing anything for money.
My only prayer is always “give me my daily bread and forgive me my trespasses as I’ve forgiven those who have trespassed against me. And lead me not into temptation, for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen. Let us now share the grace

.
My name is Nike Olasiyan and I write for a living. Pay my fees and let me write for you😀😁😋😉.

Note:
Do you know what now happened to Jonathan Eze, after initiating me into his eating lifestyle, I saw him the other day and my eyes were nearly popping out of the socket. He had lost all his weight…no belly, no cheeks, nothing. I died, literally. He took a major lifestyle change. And he’s now the COO of a major newspaper in this Abuja. Did weight loss come with the job specification?
Do you know how Mr Biggs felt when Domino’s pizza and Kilimanjaro came to town, that’s the way I’m feeling now. Betrayed!!!!

SPONSORED AD

.

Register your business on twocanbuy.com and get the best shopping deal you can ever think of.
Twocanbuy.com is an online market place where you can sell or buy goods just like on jumia/konga. It’s very easy to use. Their Instagram handle is @twocanbuy

.

Twocanbuy handles the local shipping cost in Nigeria for registered vendors for free and you get a functional seller account to monitor your sales and income.

.

Registered users enjoy a 1000NAIRA discount on their first purchase…. global products are shipped to Nigeria totally free. 🙂

.
If you want to register as a vendor, send a mesage to them saying you are from yetundeolasiyan’s blog and you get a discount.
See their flyers for more information. Signing up is very easy.

Let me tell you about that time the children of my mother came to town. We had an event to attend together in Garki. A family outing. And they needed to be present. This is my sixth year in abuja-for four years I had Mr Banji with me in this town(we lived separately though) and for the last two years, I’ve lived without any family in this town. So you can imagine the anticipation when they announced they were going to be in town.
These boys are big boys in all ramifications. Lagos big boys (I should add that for effect😀). They asked me to get them a decent lodging in a fine hotel close to the venue of the family outing.
Now, the outing was taking place in the heart of Abuja in Garki. Garki/Maitama is the VGC of Lagos. Imagine lodging in an hotel in VGC? So, automatically, getting them an hotel close to my office was going to cost an arm and a leg. My maternal uncle and his wife were coming too. But they lodged in Garki eventually.
But for these boys, I was helping them to calculate how much they were going to spend even though they didn’t complain. So instead I said, why don’t you come and stay in my house?
After saying it, I became extremely worried to the point of fatigue. What will I give these boys to eat? How are we all going to sleep? I do not have an extra bed. I have not serviced my generator since Dad died two years ago. Why? He used to bring me 20L of fuel or at times, I would join his hilux on his way back and he would drive to the nearest fuel station to buy me fuel(that was the baby girl life I was living….sigh). So, I stopped using the gen. I forgot all about it.
Again, it was the period of extreme heat in Abuja. This is the most dreaded period for every inhabitant of this city especially pregnant women. But, I was sleeping like that-sometimes on the bare floor.
I had worked back to back in court that period and hardly had time to rest. The only thing I could do was to cook a pot of fried rice.
They called me in the morning from Lagos that they were on the way. I was out throughout the day but I left my keys behind. Still they weren’t around by the time I got back. Maternal uncle was already in town. He said he passed them at Lokoja and that they would soon arrive.
They eventually came around 7pm with big bags and tired faces. The younger one embraced me. We all filed in. The first thing the big one said was “I hope your gen is working?”. Just before they came, I had asked one guy to bring black market for me. I wasn’t sure the gen was going to work, I was just using faith. But the gen coughed and came to life. That gen saved me. To the boys, even if they didn’t have food to eat, the gen mattered more than anything else.
I asked them to enter the bedroom. They declined. “Do you think we are visitors?”. We are comfortable here. Before I knew it, they had turned my living room to a cozy bedroom. I gave them a duvet. One took my long chair and the other took the floor. My TV was on the loudest, tuned to sound city. They turned off the light. Every thing happened in the twinking of an eye😀😁😁
Me that I can say I have never even watched sound city before on my own tv. What do I even watch sef? BISCON TV, Bisi olatilo’s owambe station. I would never attend an owambe but I enjoy watching it.
“Is there food? Or we should go out and arrange for something?”, Lol. That was the big one again. He was speaking confidently as if he has lived in Abuja before and he knew where he could get food.
That was when I remembered the fried rice. They said okay when I mentioned the rice. I dished it for them with one meat each. It is still a sin to eat with two pieces of meat. Not on my watch. Their mother, Mrs Banji, gave us only one meat till we grew up.
Then, they asked me how we would get to Garki the next day. “Is it close to this place?”
“No. It’s very far and that’s where my office is. It’s very close to my office. I’ve arranged an Uber to take us there. I told him to come by 9am”.
“9am is too far o. Let him come by 8.30”, the big one said.
We all slept. I was in my room, on my bed. They were in their bedroom in my living room. The gen worked till the early hours of the next day. Even my neighbors knew that something different was happening in my apartment. Because after all the gens in the compound stopped working, mine was still alive. I woke up to switch it off after nepa restored light, walking gingerly so as not to step on the one on the floor. The room was very dark. I almost didn’t recognise my sitting room again.
The next morning, I dashed out to the ATM around 6am. I was thinking of what to get them for breakfast. Should I buy bread and beverage? Or akara and bread? I settled for the latter. They called me that I should start coming that they were already dressed. Me that I was still waiting for the akara to come out of red oil.
I sha got home eventually. I dressed hurriedly. They ate the food while I got dressed. I had a big pot of stew but “e no do me to cook anything”.
The Uber arrived and we went. We first went to pick maternal uncle and Aunt from their Garki hotel. We all squeezed ourselves inside the Toyota Camry. We got there before everyone. In their minds, they would have thought there would be hold up, reason why they said Uber should arrive 8.30. But the road was clean and free. This was their first time in Abuja.
At the event, they wined and dined. They met “police”-MyLord’s orderly, who wore his police uniform to the event. We all rode in his car after we discharged the Uber but I don’t know how they became so close, even closer than me wey sabi the guy pass dem.When it was time to go home, they asked me to go. They said they couldn’t come to Abuja without having a feel of the city. Why should they retire home when it was not dark yet? They told me they were going with police.
I was apprehensive but I left them and came home. I had this smirk on my face expecting them to call me that they were lost.
However, they said they were in Asokoro, Minister’s hill abi na Governor’s lodge. I said okay.
I kept checking the time. 8pm…9pm…they were still not here. I wasn’t worried.
Later when my phone rang, I grinned. I was expecting to hear “sis, we are lost o. How do we get to your house?”, But instead, what I heard was ” e wa bawa shi gate”. I did a double take.
I didn’t even notice they had gone with their bags in the morning. As I opened the gate, they came in with their big bags again, dragging it behind them. I couldn’t laugh. So all along, they had loaded their bags in the trunk of the Toyota without letting me know.
Their plan was to stay with maternal uncle so that they would travel together the next morning but uncle left from the venue.
The big one came in with a nylon of fries…fried yam and other things. I couldn’t laugh.
They sure had a feel of the city.
I took them to the park the next day. I was asking the driver if he would get to iyana ipaja and he didn’t answer me. That was how my second brother got angry and he began to threaten the driver 😀😁😁
“Why didn’t you answer her? Is it because she’s a woman? Do you know she’s our elder sister? I will deal with you on the way. What do you mean? Who do you think you are? Don’t you know you should respect women?”
The big one also joined.
“We will make sure we deal with you. You will never do this kind of thing again. Are you sick?..
They said all sorts. By now, the driver was begging them. Both of these boys were bigger in stature than this legelege driver. One of them can easily beat him up. Not to talk of two. The big one was going to sit in front and the other one just behind him. He knew he was in for it. They commanded him to apologise. He came to apologise to me. I waved him off(see levels na). I was feeling on top of the world.

These days when anybody annoys me, I’m imagining, measuring, sizing them up, comparing them to my brothers. If I imagine that my brothers can beat him up, I will walk away smiling imagining the blows they would do his head.