Once upon a time in this Abuja, the only thing I was buying with my money was atarodo(cayenne pepper and tantashe, red bell pepper). Every other thing, I mean, every damn little thing…iru wooro o(locust bean), epo pupa, ororo, eja gbigbe(dry fish)…..my mama sent them to me. But…I WAS STILL VERY THIN
That’s why sometimes when I’m wondering what happened to that ‘life’ I almost get insane. I’m always like “where did the good years go?”
Some few years ago, when I was a proper Lagos pikin, albeit halfheartedly, when I was sharing tables with the robust Jonathan Eze and on his way from a reporting trip, would completely surprise me with a huge plate of food(I’m not sure he can still remember sha). All those times, he was always bugging me with “do you want to die/do you want to break?”.
Even the very first time we saw in Abuja after those years, after a hearty hug, the first statement was “you are still not fat”.
He did what he always did in Lagos, he took me to Jeviniks, Garki. When my life did not still improve, he hounded me to 24/7, Garki, then Ojuelegba Amala Point, Maitama. What did he not do? One time he ‘mistakenly’ took me along to H-medix and boy!! Did I buy beverages? I bought plenty…still, I WAS NOT FAT.
People didn’t respect me because of my size.
I could remember one time like that, I went home for the first time after a long while, only to meet iya yet’s new house help. Nobody introduced us. But she knew I was a child of the family, just that she didn’t know my position. She had met all the hefty children of my mother.
So she would wake up in the morning, kneel down to greet her ancestors (the younger children of my mother) and only whisper an “askor” greeting to the head of the whole clan. See gbege!!!😂😁😀
I didn’t give a damn but iya yet did. That was how, one morning, she summoned her to an umunna meeting.
“What is wrong with you? I see the way you’ve been relating with my eldest daughter. Don’t you know who she is? This is my first child (see my head swelling like garri but I was still acting indifferent😀). If you achieve half of what she has achieved in life, your family members will be saying rankadede to you😂😁😁(now interpret how she said that in yoruba). I was legit embarrassed at this point. It was as if ground should open up for me when this girl now knelt down to apologise to me o. Small shame catch me Sha.
Since that day, babe began an early morning kneeling ritual for me o. We became good friends after all sha and till date, she’s the only one I remember with fond memories. The only time we ever fought was when I sent her to buy me ‘always’ and she bought me ‘pampers’.
Toh. Why am I telling you all this “labare?(biko, what is labare in English?)”. It is to let you know all my lepa struggles. I consistently weighed 55kg for close to ten years. I gain weight once in 10years.
Now, it is indeed a wise saying, that life is turn by turn😂😁. It is my turn to be FAT.
Now, everywhere I go, the first thing people say is “wow, you’ve added weight o. You’re looking good.” So, obviously for my naija people, not adding weight is a sign of poor living.
Now, I’m celebrating my extra 5kg!!!! My friends have been calling from yonder “I saw your picture, you’ve added weight😂😁.
One of the pep talks I had with my “chi” when I wanted to join the lowcut gang was ” Yetunde how are you going to pull this off with this penkele stature. Do you want to disappear?” It took a lot of courage for me to take that giant step.
How did I achieve my weight gain?
I started gaining weight when I stopped getting atarodo and iru wooro from ibadan. I grew up.
I started gaining weight when I hardly have food to eat.(This is strange, I know)
I started gaining weight when I started buying every foodstuff by myself
I stopped looking at life from a certain angle. I began to see life from an indifferent angle. And I have no huge prayer point again like all those people who said they didn’t come to Abuja to come and count bridge and are doing anything for money.
My only prayer is always “give me my daily bread and forgive me my trespasses as I’ve forgiven those who have trespassed against me. And lead me not into temptation, for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen. Let us now share the grace
My name is Nike Olasiyan and I write for a living. Pay my fees and let me write for you😀😁😋😉.
Do you know what now happened to Jonathan Eze, after initiating me into his eating lifestyle, I saw him the other day and my eyes were nearly popping out of the socket. He had lost all his weight…no belly, no cheeks, nothing. I died, literally. He took a major lifestyle change. And he’s now the COO of a major newspaper in this Abuja. Did weight loss come with the job specification?
Do you know how Mr Biggs felt when Domino’s pizza and Kilimanjaro came to town, that’s the way I’m feeling now. Betrayed!!!!