My phone has been on silence for a long time too.
*************what I wrote last night 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇
On this day, three years ago, I went to bed around 12am. I slept off on the cold floor after praying and placed my phone by my side. It rang around 2am and a stranger spoke to me. He told me to start coming, that my dad had just been rushed to the hospital. I asked him to pass the phone to dad, this stranger, his neighbor told me that ‘no, he can’t talk to you right now’ not knowing that the man was already stone dead. He didn’t even make it to the hospital. He died in his official car, his head on last born’s laps, on their way to the hospital.
It’s funny how both of my parents died in lastborn’s care. He was the last person who saw them alive/dead at different states and different situations.
I’ve had serious anxiety about picking calls or calling people since then. A lot of friends complained that I was sounding so off/irritated/disgruntled or whatever on phone. Some who couldn’t keep up simply stopped calling. I didn’t know when I developed the offhandedness at which I respond to calls. Moreso, I didn’t even need any condolences(because it made me depressive). I didn’t want to hear it. I was in denial.
That death also made me go into my shell after I was left alone to mourn. After the people I looked up to, all left me at exactly that time. I became stone cold, blank, unfeeling and unapologetic.
I don’t know if I’ve fully recovered but I’m better at picking calls now.
By 2am today, it will be 3years he died and left me alone in this cold world, to navigate it on my own. It has not been a pleasant experience. It’s something you never recover from.