An Open Letter To The Unrepentant Lasgidians Who Are Asking Me To Visit Gidi&Other Stories
One day, I will retire as a writer. When I say retire, I don’t mean the retirement of 30 something years.
I will live, write, breathe, write some more, drink hot chocolate, write again, then, eat wafers and watch my write-ups translate to unimaginable epic histories, films, change institutionalized thinking and bring in money. This!!!! Is what it means to truly live. Living life on your own terms, at your own pace. Calling the shot comfortably within the confines of your basic intellect, exuding an aura that’s different from the norm.
I really can’t wait to see that day when I can fully become a writer. It’s what I am waiting for.
Jonathan Eze once said to me about six years ago, in the newsroom of compass newspaper, “Yetunde, I can never leave this job for anything”. Its why he has kept coming back to journalism even after working with Musiliu Obanikoro and Senator Ita Giwa. I know that feeling.
So, let me enjoy the courtroom very well, soak in the dramas, the knowledge, the paraphernalia of office and the glitz that comes with being a registrar while I look forward to that day when I can finally live fully.
As my friend Tinuke Badmus’s legs are made for the machine(to be swinging her legs upandan) so are my fingers made to be flipping across keyboards.
OK let me do a free advert for her. I think she deserves one.
Her couture office is at Mapo Plaza, 20 Aliyu Makama Road, Barnawa, Kaduna. Mapo plaza is about 5-10minutes trek from Kaduna Poly. If you are coming from kawo, you will get a bus going to Barnawa complex direct, it is 100 naira. Come down at Mapo plaza. Eazy innit?
Just so you know that she doesn’t come cheap, Tinuke Badmus has M.Sc in Psychology from University of Ibadan( where she graduated ‘magna cum laude’ in my imaginations.. … Kikikiki) as well as a B.Sc in Biochemistry from University of Agriculture, Abeokuta. She worked as one of the key Microbiologists in a top reputable cocoa company in Lagos. (I wuz dere).
She is mother to little David and her husband has a staggering intimidating profile on TEDx. She had her shop in the highbrow kongi area of Bodija before she moved to highbrow Barnawa(yelz, from highbrow to highbrow-issa big sontin). She is very expensive yet affordable but she’s VERY good at what she does. She made her own wedding dress and it was breathtaking. You’d think she ordered it from “the abroad”.
Meanwhile, my name was called in church yesterday out of the blues to come and act drama in front of the pulpit. You’d think there was another Nike in church because I was also looking around for the ‘Nike’ that was mentioned until they said ‘Nike of search the scriptures’. Oh boy, my body suddenly became weak but I summoned courage and wore a blank look to the front and they gave me a microphone. Lobatan.
Lagos people are calling me to come. Come wia mbok? Ever since I naturalised in the north, the thought of going down south is almost like travailing in labour. It’s like an excruciating labour pain. Travel to Lagos kwa? Maybe if the federal capital shifts back to gidi.
OK….I will think about it. Lagos and its pipu, unrepentant lasgidians, where were you when I was stranded at MMA the other night and I almost had nowhere to sleep? Where were you when the cabbies were billing me 6k to go to sango ota? Taking a boat ride shulav even been better and cannot cost up to that. So if I come, what will you give me? Where were you when I fell down from a molue in ketu while trying to come down?
When thieves entered our one room apartment in the night when clothes barely covered us(thank God I always dressed fully to bed)and stole our recharge card money and other monies. Even my friend’s IT salary that I collected for her.
Only my phone wasn’t stolen because I placed it on my Bible beside my head. Either the thief respected my Bible or he didn’t want to come near my head so as not to risk waking me up.
Well, our room had a door and net but we only locked the net(blame poor ventilation) because we were four girls sleeping in one small room. My friend from sec school was the original occupant, her kid sis, her cousin who was serving and me.
Lagos, I haven’t forgotten…..
I even went to ketu police station to drag my brother …..not that I dragged him. By now, you should know i have a family representative in almost every station. Remember when I drove dad’s car and had an accident in Ibadan and they took me to station and it turned out that the DPO was my mom’s relative? DPO ended up paying part of the money billed me by the driver who claimed the car was bought with owo alajeseku sef.
The other day,someone had threatened me with police over the phone(over a matter that didn’t involve me). I laughed. Orishirishi. As she was talking to me, a policeman was standing in front of me outside the courtroom. We were laughing and gisting before the call. I have many of them as friends. They are plenty at the court.
Brother insisted on following me and said “yetunde, is this where you are sleeping? This small room. Does daddy know? When i have a big apartment in Agric Ogolonto”?
Hear him. Is that even the name of a place? Ogolonto?
I was sha forced to visit Ogolonto the next weekend. Decent apartment but too far from my place of work. I had to be up by 4am to catch the bus to Isolo in the morning. My office was opposite Chellarams PLC close to Reddington where I used to repair my laptop. I think that was my last visit to Ogolonto. I stayed in ketu but instead of 6months IT, I spent 5months and bailed. Even though I went home every weekend all those months.
What of the day one smart pick pocket nearly picked my purse during 5.30am rush hour in ketu? I screamed and he dropped it. I felt his hand in my bag.
Henceforth, unrepentant lasgidians should stop rushing me. Only America and Canada should rush me mbok. I belong to everybody and I belong to nobody. This court will rise.