Let me tell you what else happened on the last red day. A certain old man who has/had a case in my court messaged me like this: “Yetunde, I wish you LOVE and joyous Val’s day. From Your Valentine, C.” As at […]
You know that stuff that happened to the biblical David? When he was walking on the rooftop while others had gone to war and he saw a beautiful woman bathing? Something close to it happened to me. Only that I was not […]
You know that stuff that happened to the biblical David? When he was walking on the rooftop while others had gone to war and he saw a beautiful woman bathing?
Something close to it happened to me.
Only that I was not walking on the rooftop….I was just in my room. I peeped out of the window early one morning. Say three years ago.
I did not see a naked man or woman. Instead, I saw my neighbor and his wife.
Only my neighbor upstairs and I leave home so early. Sometimes we get to the gate at the same time or I see him walking ahead.
On that day, I was still putting finishing touches to my imaginary make-up-just checking out my plain black face in my bedroom mirror hung close to the window when I sited them. They live upstairs. My flat stands alone. And I can see everyone or everything that goes on through my bedroom window.
He was leaving as usual. She was seeing him off, wearing her silky pink nightwear- a short and top that leaves nothing to the imagination. It was in the early days of their marriage. She stood by the last stair and waved him bye. He looked left and right. When he looked right, I quickly dunked. I needn’t have done that anyways. Even if my window was closed, I would be seeing them but they would not see me.
He moved back alil bit. He was now at the same height with her. He quickly pulled her close and kissed her. I almost began to count the seconds. But I thought against it. Is it my kiss?
As I was thinking it in my mind, they were still kissing. I was getting angry already.💋💋💋💋 So I turned away. But I could not bear it. I decided to look again😉😉😉. They had separated and he was now on his way to the gate.
I counted 1-10, prayed against arrows of environmental nuisance, covered my eyes with the blood of Jesus and came out of my house.
Men and brethren, all I kept seeing throughout my entire day in court was their kissing faces. The look, the way he pulled her, what she wore. I imagined how he would race back home from the office.
I suffered. But I forgave them and took it in my strides. I was seeing public display of affection for the first time. Till today, they thought nobody saw them.
However, few months down the line, I heard a shout. Honestly, this is where marriage confuses me. There was a scream. In the wee hours of the night. Maybe around midnight. It was his voice I heard.
“get out of my house”. By then, she was heavily pregnant.
She was crying. He was shoving her off the stairs. I panicked. I was on my way to my door when I noticed that another neighbor was already out faster than me. She went to pick her to spend the night with her. She landed at the hospital that same week and had an emergency CS.
One time they could not have enough of each other so much that she escorted him every morning and they stole kisses at the foot of the stairs. The next time, he wanted nothing to do with her again.
I used to have another neighbor. Both the husband and wife were nice and close to me. They did things together. This time, she had just had a baby. It was few days after the baby came. After like ten days, I heard screams. I knew he had started again.
I was going to rescue her. Like I used to do.
So I ran to their door when she kept screaming. He had locked the door. I ran to the kitchen door. It was locked too. He deliberately locked everywhere so that there would be no means of escape. He beat her silly. I kept hearing the sound and my heart was pounding. I went back to my apartment begging God on her behalf.
Last last, it was settled. And they are still together.
Moral: I only wanted to say that you should mind how you peep through windows. I didn’t plan to tell all these plenty tales. I don’t even know why I wrote them. God haff mercy.
About last month, God gifted me some shopping vouchers to use at any outlet of ShopRite😀😀. I decided to go to Apo because of the proximity. So I jumped into the Kia picanto driven by M. M is one of the office […]
About last month, God gifted me some shopping vouchers to use at any outlet of ShopRite😀😀. I decided to go to Apo because of the proximity. So I jumped into the Kia picanto driven by M. M is one of the office drivers. M was kind enough to drop me where I would get a ride to Apo and even paid the driver. He promised to drive down and pick me after. Of course, I didn’t tell him it was shopping I was going for. He didn’t ask either. But he was going to asokoro and couldn’t wait. So I bade him bye.
It was almost four and I was in a mad rush. So I swooped on everything that caught my fancy. I loaded my shopping cart with Milo, milk, cream, biscuit, poundo yam etc. I made a mental note to check for bread and some pastries later. I needed to get the more important things first. Only that I overshopped and never had any money left to cover those.
When my cart got very heavy, I became scared. What if they reject the vouchers? What if? What if? So I went to the counter and showed a cashier. She nodded acceptance.
So I went back with more confidence and now I shopped harder and with a bit of invisible pride on my shoulder. I even caused a stir on the queue when I was paying with the vouchers. Everybody stood still on the queue, watched and waited while cashier removed chocolate, golden morn, cornflakes, toothbrush, charcoal toothpaste, charcoal face wash (I decided to invest in few vanities), cassava fufu, lip balm etc. This had happened to me before. When some people would keep offloading two heavy carts on the counter and I would be there standing with just two or three pieces of items. So I know the feelings.
It was a twenty thousand naira voucher. Unfortunately for ShopRite, they didn’t have farm fresh yoghurt (the major reason why I went to Apo), they didn’t have fruit and fibre, their Coco pops was Nigerian made. These were the major things that gingered my going there.
Unfortunately again, their prices were over the top on some things. Take the Nivea for instance, it’s been sold at 1500max in my neighborhood supermarket but ShopRite sold it for 2500. They didn’t have varieties of body wash to make a decent choice from. There was neither radox nor olay.
I still had to pay 250naira extra because well, I had shopped overboard. While I was being attended to, a rough looking guy came, jumped the queue and tried to outsmart everyone else because he wanted to pay for four chin chin. He came to ShopRite to buy four chin chin. Cashier said he should go back. He refused and stood there.
As I was walking outside,this chin chin guy ran after me and caught up
” hey, please, how did you get those vouchers?”
I looked at him for some seconds. I didn’t know whether to respond or keep walking.
‘i don’t know how I got it. Maybe I stole it’. When I turned back, he had disappeared.
A security man who saw how plenty my ShopRite nylon was getting had taken a peanut and begged that I help him pay. I obliged. He thanked me.
This security guy helped me carry my nylons but I told him not to bother. He was going to get a moving cart. He was going to wheel it to the carpark for me. I insisted that he should not worry. I gat this. I was not going to call M to pick me either. Me that I came with bagco sack from home.😀😀😀😀emi late mi.
I didn’t want anyone from my office to see me with many ShopRite nylon. So instead of going back to the office to join the bus, I went home on my own jeje.
The people in my office or should I say generally that the people of this generation, have labelled every young female. It’s very sad. When they calculate your salary and compare it with the beautiful clothes and shoes you wear or the type of car you drive, and it’s not commensurate, they automatically tag you, cast you and say you have a sugar daddy. Their mind is too full of poverty, so much that I can’t deal. They don’t know that some of us don’t depend on government salary. Infact, January salary wasn’t paid in January.
And if as a single young woman, a nice car drops you at the office too often or even once, you will be shocked later when your news go round the office that different cars drop you every morning and that you are doing runs.
My barrister friends would hear none of it Sha. They stubbornly drive me inside and one of them even comes down to open the side door for me.
It’s the same reason why my neighbour who lives with her second husband was peeping into my space when my brothers came visiting from Lagos. Even though you could look into their faces and see some resemblance. They must sha believe what their devilish minds want to believe. Pray, how can you have kids for different men and yet be bothered about what I do ntori oloun?
So, about the shopping vouchers, it was a sugar friend that gave me and not a sugar husband or daddy.
The last time I had such heavy shopping was when I entered H-Medix with Jonathan Eze. I was in my office jeje when he called me to meet him at this eatery very close to my office. A place where my Lord normally eats. Where a plate of food would cover my living expenses for a week. Mylord must not even enter and find me there. How can I eat where my Lord is eating?😀😀😀😀
Who am I again? How much is my salary? The day my colleague went there to eat and mylord entered, she said she was lucky her back was turned to him and immediately he went to the counter, she ran outI laughed and laughed.
And Jonathan Eze even has the looks of a sugar daddy. He has lost weight now though. I had so many H-Medix nylons that I could not take to the office before the poverty minded people would cast me. So I kept it with the security. The security men till this day call me madam because of that day. They even asked me for small something. I gave them 200naira
I later saw kelloggs in my neighborhood. I’ve been loyal to that brand since the early 90s when I was at the boarding house and dad once gave me rice Krispies to take to school. I don’t eat rice Krispies to this day but I found my vanity in coco pops and fruit and fibre. They are my weaknesses. If you ever offend me, buy me F&F and I will forgive you. They’ve changed their package now.
My birthday is next month(parte after parte) and I bought myself a really beautiful 😍 shoe that I cannot wear past my door. It’s about 3-4inches heel. I’m strictly a flats person. I bought myself a lovely red dress too. And unlike previous years, I’m really counting down. I’m craving some really crunchy spring rolls, chocolate ice cream cake and a big bowl of yogurt only. I’m spoiling myself yo!!!! If I don’t take care of me, who will?
P.S. I’m still broke please😀😀 because I’m working for Abuja landlords.
I wrote this last night but it didn’t upload due to network issues…..so here goes I was home on that popular red day that people make so much noise about every year. I had fever. I had body pains. Anxiety symptoms. Chills. […]
I wrote this last night but it didn’t upload due to network issues…..so here goes
I was home on that popular red day
that people make so much noise about every year. I had fever. I had body pains. Anxiety symptoms. Chills.
It started since the day we stayed so late in court last week. Till almost 7pm. I left at a point though, with aching head. I was back at work the next day. We sat at 3pm. It was a Friday. We didn’t rise till after 4pm. I bailed.
So I bought drugs off the shelf. Felt a little bit better. Went to work on Thursday and the headaches came back with a bang. I managed to survive Friday. But I woke up with more symptoms this morning and I knew it was time to go to the hospital.
When I finally saw the doctor, female, pretty, glasses wearing, after I told her the symptoms, she asked next
“when was your last period?”
I smiled. I’m already used to this question. I would have reminded her even if she didn’t ask. I came prepared for that question 😂😂 so I answered mischievously.
“I’ve been looking for it for the past two days and I haven’t found it”, I replied cheekily. At least the red day was just 24hours ago. So everything kind of sums up. Valentine’s day plus a missing period.
I watched amusingly as her pen flickered quickly across the piece of lab paper where she wrote Mp, Widal and PT. I smiled wider. She gave me the paper and said “take it to the lab”. I was about to get tested for pregnancy the second time.
The last time I was at this hospital, I saw a male doctor and I told him I suspected malaria. When he asked me the “period” question, I had had my monthly flow already or it wasn’t due yet but I just couldn’t remember the last date and before you could say jack, he had written PT on my lab sheet.
So, I went to the lab. Blood sample was taken. I waited patiently and began to reminisce. Did I get pregnant in my sleep? Last time I checked, I don’t even have a spirit husband. 😅😀😃🤣
Why are they after me in this hospital? Why do they want pregnancy to fall on me? I had malaria and for a week, I was scared to go to the hospital because I knew they would slam a PT test on me. This is the second week and I had to go today eventually.
I have had malaria all my life to be sure of the symptoms. Besides, the pregnancy history of the females in my family does not include body aches, fever, headache etc. Our pregnancy history does not even include swollen legs, vomiting or spitting.
So, the female doctor ended her shift and left. When I was called again, it was to see a male doctor, my favorite anyways.
He was the only doctor on duty and he had an emergency CS to attend to. He walked out and asked me to wait. I was catching cold and feeling feverish while seated.
He walked in again, not noticing I had switched off his fan. He began to complain about seeing so many people. Too many sick people with only one doctor. He tried calling another doctor to come and relieve him so that he could go and carry out the surgery.
By the time he had time to quickly attend to me before rushing out again, my lab result was nowhere to be found. He was almost using another person’s test result to diagnose me. We searched his table but it wasn’t there.
He said “I will just treat you for malaria and typhoid”
I said “wa shere doctor”…in my mind Sha.
He wrote some drugs. I was worried about my PT result. How will I lose my PT test result like that? The paper had to get missing because of the pregnancy?😁😁😁😁😁😁aye mi o.
I sha came back home without a pregnancy test result. They had no ACT drug so I still went to buy.
However, unlike before when my appetite used to go south because of illness, I discovered that my appetite is so healthy and abnormally okay. I’m eating and over eating, more like a depressive symptom. Or a pregnancy symptom 😊😛😋😂
I had begged the doctor to give me a drug that’d make me sleep. He did. But I was asked to sign for that particular drug before I could take it. I saw that other people who received it at one point had signed for it too. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into until the pharmacist closed the book and I saw that it was labeled POISON. Not poison that would kill. But poison that should only be administered on doctor’s prescription and which cannot be bought over the counter.
I came back home and googled it. For the first time, Google didn’t scare me. It only showed that the drug would help with my anxiety attacks and make me sleep. This doctor had given me this same small, nameless drug when I complained to him that I was running out of my mind and could not sleep because I thought my dead father was following me around back in 2017. I was seeing him in my dreams and all. That was the week he died and I was sleeping at the hospital after sleeping at my neighbor’s for some days.😂😂😂. He gave me that nameless drug and I slept deeply and it calmed my brain.
Why am I having anxiety attacks? I really don’t know. I’m moving houses. I’ve found a beautiful house in an enviable location close to a police area command. Police is now my neighbor. But the money I’m coughing out is giving me panic attacks. The stress of moving chairs, luggage and all is scaring me. I’m too lazy to even move my ass not to talk of moving an entire house. I need to get a prepaid meter too. And. I’m just overwhelmed.
Tinuke badmus would understand this because we had this kind of convo when she had a shop and an apartment in eyebrow bodija estate before she moved to kaduna. Babe was legit complaining of having to renew two rent.
On the bright side, let me tell you about my good friends. Barrister Saturday(not real name) and the one whom I call Esquire. Esquire is married with a kid. I’m good friends with him and his wife. He drives this really beautiful muscle Camry with tinted glasses. It’s always exciting to go with them in the morning because we are all gisting, shouting, yabbing each other and quoting different sections of the law while at it. He drops his wife and baby first in garki. Then him and Barr Saturday drives me to the office. Barr Saturday is newly wedded.
I always beg them to drop me by the gate and let me trek inside. They will say “why, what are you hiding? You don’t want them to think we are your sugardaddies right? They must see us today. Infact, I am dropping you right within the second gate. So he zooms in and tries to enter the court premises gangan. I quickly open the door, jump out and run to the elevator. Those guys are the best thing since sliced bread. I always enjoy our morning conversation. We are friends because they have matters in my court.
J. E’s birthday was on the 13th. We haven’t talked this year. He could be annoying sometimes. He was supposed to get me into Lagos last year and he said ” oh I forgot”. But the thing is, he will see me, go on his knees and say he’s sorry. He once did that at jeviniks and I didn’t tell him to get up.
Still smarting from that anger I decided to sub him on his birthday. Guy didn’t even know it was a sub when I wrote “J E, today marks the end of your 39th year on earth. You will never see your thirties again. May your forties be kind to you.” He just clocked 39 and technically, he will start counting down to 40 from now.
It is very hard to see the sub but it’s a big sub anyways.
So, after taking that drug that I signed to collect, I’m still here, looking like lucozade, my eyes are as dry as if I murdered sleep.#sighs#
Once upon a time, Mr Banji came to my house to show me one girl…yellow pawpaw, petite, nails and hair on fleek, does a uniformed job. She was smiling and feeling coy. She looked too good to be true. She must have […]
Once upon a time, Mr Banji came to my house to show me one girl…yellow pawpaw, petite, nails and hair on fleek, does a uniformed job. She was smiling and feeling coy. She looked too good to be true. She must have been feeling on top of the world to have followed him to see me. Emi Mani😀😎
Having spent some time on the street myself, after been privileged to know the mind of young ladies towards old money bags, men who are old enough to be their father, I don know say ‘na dem’. These girls only needed such men as automated teller machine. I sized her up, weighing her brain. I sensed that she didn’t have much sense. But I greeted her enthusiastically.
The poor man had been badgered on every side by his family members,(not that I’m exonerating him too) the ones who dissolved into thin air after he died, that he shouldn’t remain alone. Typical average African mentality. If it was my mother who was alive, no one would ever remember that she would need companionship or that she needed someone to keep her alive longer. Infact, it would be a sacrilege to even insinuate such. Her children were to be her husband.
He had told me he was going to remain single for the rest of his life and I was happy. But I was a real mumu to have believed him anyways. He said and I quote “what do I need a woman for? I don’t want more children. Any woman that comes into my life now would turn my heart away from my children. I don’t want that. Let me just live my life.”
He had even turned to kidbrother jokingly one day and said “T, do you want a younger brother or you want to remain my last born?”
We had all laughed.
😁😁😁he said his leg was paining him and he could not get down from the bed.😀😀😀😀😁 He needed someone to be helping him to come down from bed. Inside life fa!!
Not this alone, the house at ibadan was going to crumble if nobody lived there.
I had heard enough. Just do whatever already!!
So, I became angry when he showed me the girl. I would have given anything to have iya onisu take her place honestly. At least iya onisu is old and matured. This girl was my competition. I was annoyed. Infact, I still am. The girl is in my office today but thank God I’m at the HQ while she’s still at my former garki office. People even call her my step mother. See the heavy cross I’m carrying😁🤣🤣my punishment was to be running in to her everyday but that is thankfully over now.
But when did I start getting really angry with this girl gan gan?
It was when my father began to eat Indomie… ayemitemibami!!!! My own father!!!!
Somebody who used to quarrel with my mum over pounded yam. Whose best food was pounded yam and efo riro. Or amala isu. Someone who hated chicken, who never liked jollof. Imagine my horror when my popsie said he was now eating Indomie.
Something must have gone wrong somewhere. Mr Banji never eats such things like Indomie.
After a while, this girl brought her mother to him and they began to ask for heavy cost for marital rights. I didn’t know whether to be laughing or jumping. The girl was from the part of Nigeria where the major population of their girls are being shipped to homes as househelps. Their major occupation was farming. Now, they were demanding heavy costs.
I didn’t say anything.
One day, the girl called me, she was very angry. she was reporting my dad to me after their relationship went sour. Dad was trying to recover everything he had done for her. She even had the gut to tell me on phone that she didn’t beg him for it.
Where you would know that her senselessness was legendary was the fact that she looked round and didn’t see anybody to call except me. Me that I was waiting to roast her. But I spoke to her nicely and promised to help her settle with my dad. I dey craze??😃😀
When he said people were begging him on her behalf, I wore the cap of a tyrant. I spoke to him as if I was his mother. Like a dictator, I threatened him.
“dad, if you ever accept this girl again, I’m disowning you”. I wasn’t sure if he took my threat seriously.😁😀 I could only hope and watch.
Until one day, my dad himself called me and said ‘i will come and see you by weekend to tell you what that girl did to me’. I was now happy.
How did I know the relationship had finally ended?
When he brought the remaining carton of Indomie to my house. I knew it was over forever. He was thanking God too. He said “God saved me from that girl. She would have collected all of your brother’s law school fees from my hand.
Did I do bad????😀